I haven't exactly felt motivated to write because there was one event that I couldn't quite get past. So the many cool things that have happened since then and now that may or may not end up in a post. But here it is...
A little over two weeks ago, I missed a phone call and was left very heavy voicemail. I knew something was up, but couldn't call Steph back until I was in the car, on my way to Walmart of all places. With the kids in the backseat.
When she told me the news, I couldn't help but breakdown even though I tried so hard to be strong. I knew I wasn't the first person she had called and undoubtedly everyone else had broken down, so the least I could do was save her the grief of going through it all over again. But I couldn't help it. I thought about turning around and going home, but then the kids would ask why we had done that.We got off the phone, I parked and sat there for a moment. Then wiped my eyes (thank goodness for by big Jackie O sunglasses) and walked in the store with my babies.
I texted Brooks because I didn't want to speak the words out loud and have the kids hear. Each response I could feel myself tearing up again. I asked him to figure out how to discuss this with Taylor. A short while later, he shot me an email with some info he found, and when he came home that afternoon we talked for a bit, then after dinner had our talk with Taylor.
Taylor's friend Kathleen had gone to a pool party on Sunday afternoon and drowned. Her mom, my friend Stephanie is an amazing mommy. Kathleen was just six years old, we had just gone to her birthday party a few weeks earlier, and had plans for our families to see Cars 2 in just a few weeks.
Brooks calmly told Taylor that Kathleen had an accident and that her body wore out and that she was gone and not coming back. "What kind of accident?" We had talked earlier about how we didn't want to be too specific, because we did not want Taylor to fear swimming, "An accident in the pool," Brooks responded. Thankfully, Taylor did not ask us to elaborate.
"Is my body going to wear out?" No, honey you're body will not wear out for a long time. Most people's bodies wear out when they are very, very old.
"Are my cousin's bodies going to wear out?" No, honey, your cousins are going to be fine.
And, that was it. He didn't ask for more info, we didn't really want to give him much more. Brooks did all of the talking and I just sat there trying so hard not to cry.
I couldn't help but feel so sad for Stephanie and Chris. Steph actually isn't even Kathleen's "real" mom, she married Chris when Kathleen was 4. But I knew how much she loved that little girl and how much she had done for her and how that was not any different than I loved my own kids. Chris is in the air force, it just seems so wrong for people who give so much of themselves for others should have anything other than happiness in their lives.
And I couldn't help but think that could have been Taylor. I don't know the exact circumstances of Kathleen's death, but she had issues like Taylor and anything could happen at any time. Taylor could wander and get lost, or get hurt. His own absence of fear in some unsafe situations, or his high anxiety levels in other situations could be his weakness.
I love that little boy madly, and I just don't know what I would ever do if I lost that part of myself.
Brooks and I went to the funeral without the kids. It was such a small casket. Stephanie and Chris looked so sad and exhausted, but still strong if that makes any sense. She is pregnant with twins due this fall. It is so sad the babies will never know their sister. And I am sure they will be constantly reminded of Kathleen as they care for two new little girls.
A few times now Taylor has mentioned his body wearing out, I am sure we'll need to discuss this again. Hopefully not for a very long time.
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