Our Little World

So much to say and not enough time for blogging! Brooks and I are on mental overload, so when I have free time I just feeling like doing a whole lotta nothing. But we have had some pretty incredible things happen in the last few weeks and I don't want to be so overwhelmed that we don't stop and  appreciate these moments.

Halloween was lots of fun; I will post pics from that later on. Leading up to Halloween though, Taylor had two fun filled days at school. On the Thursday before, his class went on a field trip to Buckelew Farms Pumpking Patch. You bet Stalker Mom (me) was there as well. The bus ride was long, but the kids were all so excited to be there that everything went pretty smoothly. As we began to head back to the buses to head back to school,  Taylor fell and scratched his elbow. The owie itself was not bad at all, but controlling emotions is a really hard thing for him and he melted down pretty bad. I put a couple of band aids on his elbow (even though he really didn't need one) and we talked like we usually do about how sometimes when things hurt, they'll only hurt for a little bit and then it feels OK. Then we began to count to calm down and this time instead of counting to 20 and back down and then counting again, we only had to make it to 10 before he decided he was calm and could re-join his class. Phew!

The next day, the kids wore their costumes and took part in a literature parade around the school hallways. Afterwards, they changed and then rotated between the three first grade classrooms doing activities in each. In one class Taylor made a bookmark and when I caught up with him in the hallway he was pretty upset that one of the girls in class was holding all the bookmarks as he really wanted his. He went into class and I saw him again just before lunch. He was still crying and was pretty upset. It took most of lunch to calm him down and then I stayed and watched him play in the playground just to make sure he didn't get wound up again.

Both times his classmates were asking what was wrong, I knew the other parents were watching and it's moments like those that I just hate. Not that people are watching, but I just hate thinking that my child is different. But he is and there is nothing I can do to make it "OK" or make him "normal." I do get annoyed by Autism parents who seemingly gush about how beautiful this whole experience is and what a blessing it is or yada yada.

It's not. Autism sucks. And some days it is really, really hard.

It's also hard to relate to other parents who mean well but will never, ever really truly understand what it is like to feel the pain of knowing something is wrong with your child that you will never be able to fix.

Sure, he'll get better with all of his therapies and eventually he might seem like other kids. But that's because he'll have to work really really hard at it. Maybe it's like losing an arm or a leg. You might go a while without one and then eventually get a prosthetic and then adjust to the prosthetic and be able to do some of the things you were able to do before. But every time you reach for something and miss, or every time you have to attach it or take it off to go to bed or to take a shower you will be reminded of the extra work you have to do that others may not have to. That is Autism for the high functioning child. And as good as he will get at things,  he will always have to work  at it.

So as wonderful as my child is in every way, I hurt for him when something happens that showcases his weaknesses.

This past weekend we went to the house and Brooks and I were working in one room when we overheard Taylor in another room playing Barbies with Jazzy and talking in a girls voice as one of the Barbie dolls. Sure this is pretty funny, but it is also a really big deal. We both stopped and listened and determined this was the first time EVER Taylor had ever used his imagination to create a voice. Sure he's modeled voices before for example when he's playing Transformers and he's holding Optimus Prime; and the kid loves to do impressions like Mr. Krabs and Yogi Bear. But he's never come up with his own voice before and he certainly is not a fan of spontaneous play that's not modeled after something he's already seen. For Taylor to come up with a voice then was a pretty big thing. We stopped whatever we were doing and started thinking of all the things he can do now that he had problems with before. Brooks thinks he is doing better with tags, he doesn't care anymore if his food touches anything else on his plate and the kid loves mixing all kinds of things together- like syrup and bacon or noddles, refried beans and corn (yum, right?). His eye contact is pretty good now (except taking picture of course), His coloring and handwriting have really improved. He hasn't wanted to wear the same outfit everyday since he was probably 3; the list of what he perseverates on is so much shorter. So now Little Man has discovered his imagination and unlocking that part of his mind is just A-MA-ZING for us.

If I could go back in time and make it so he didn't have Autism, you bet I would. But I would never, ever want any other baby than this one. He is the blessing, not Autism.